an you complete these jokes? Try first without looking at the answers. Each answer depends on a common English idiom. Do you understand each one?

1-      Why can't you play jokes on snakes?

2-      When is an actor happy to become a thief?

3-      "My mother made a terrible mistake today. She gave my father soap flakes instead of cornflakes for breakfast." "Was he angry?"

4-      Two flies flew onto a coffee cup and argued about who arrived first and who should get to drink the cold coffee. Which one got angry and left?

5-      Why is it impossible to play tennis quietly?

6-      How could you help a starving cannibal?

7-      When does a patient find an operation funny?

8-      Why did the tired man put his bed in the fireplace?

9-      When are mosquitoes annoying?

A-     When he steals the show.

B-     He wanted to sleep like a log.

C-     Only foaming at the mouth.

D-    Give him a hand.

E-     Because you can never pull their legs.

F-     The one that flew off the handle.

G-    When it leaves him in stitches.

H-     When they get under your skin.

I-      Because you can't play it without raisinga racket.

2-PHRASAL VERBS

omplete each joke with a verb. Try to do it without looking at the list of verbs below. Each verb makes up a phrasal verb. Underline them all.

see, put, drop, pick, hold, let, drive, fall, step

1-      "Doctor, Doctor, I can't sleep at night," "Sleep on the edge of the bed and you'll soon......off".

2-      "Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?" "Because you can always ...... through them".

3-      "Why do birds in a nest always agree?"

"Because they don't want to ...... out"

4-      "When is a deep-sea diver disappointed with his colleagues?" "When they   ...... him down."

5-      "What training do you need to become a rubbish collector?"

"None, you  ...... it up as you go along."

6-      "Waiter, I asked you to bring my order quickly but why is the food on my plate all squashed?"

"Well sir, when you ordered your food, you did tell me to ......on it."

7  - "Why do taxi-drivers always go bankrupt?"

"Because they ...... their customers away."

8  - Witt: "Did you ...... the cat out, dear?"

Sarcastic Husband: "No. Was it on fire?"

9-    "When are the traffic police strong?" "When they ...... up cars with one hand"

3-WORD PARTNERSHIPS

word partnership - or collocation - is two or more words which go together in a special way - a golden opportunity. Complete the following jokes with word partnerships.

clean, hopping, filthy, splitting, grave, sweet, light, lame, smashing  

1-      "What does an angry kangaroo do?"

"It gets .......... mad.

2-      "Doctor, when I go to bed I wake up every thirty minutes." "Are you a .......... sleeper?"

"No, I sleep in the dark."

3-      "You're late for school again. What's your excuse?"

"I sprained my ankle and I couldn't walk

properly, sir." "That's a..........excuse."

4-      "Why did the burglar take a shower?"

"He wanted to make a.........getaway."

5-      "I've invented a new pill. Half of the pill is aspirin and the other half is glue," "But who is it for?"

"People with.........headaches."

6-      "What did the hooligan say after breaking all the school windows?"

"I've had a..........time.

7-      "Did you hear about the undertaker who buried somebody in the wrong cemetery?

"He lost his job for making such a..........mistake."

8-      "Why do you put lumps of sugar under your pillow?"

"So that I will have.........dreams,"

9-      "What do you call a millionaire who never washes?"

".........rich."

4-PUNS

pun is a play upon words - usually one word with two meanings. For example, a mouse is both an animal and something you use with a computer. Complete these jokes with puns.

present, fork, fine, pretty ugly,charge

atmosphere, merry can, change, poor

1-      "Have you noticed any.........in me?"

"No! Why?"

"I've just swallowed some coins accidental-

ly."

2-      "Some girls think I'm handsome and some girls think I'm  horrible. What do you think

Mary?"

"A hit of both........."

3-      "You have to be rich to play golf."

"Then why are there so many.........players?"

4-      "I think we've just had a puncture."

"How did it happen?"

"There was a..........in the road."

5-      "Well son, how was your first day at the new school?"

"Great! The teacher is going to give me a

gift."

"How do you know that?"

"Well, when I arrived, she pointed to a chair in the corner and said, "Sit over there for

the..........."

6-      "Why did the two astronauts decide to leave the restaurant  in the moon and return to one on Earth?"

"They said it had no.........."

7-      "I'm going to have to put you in a prison cell for the night." "What's the.........Officer?"

"Nothing. It's all part of the service!"

8-      "Why did you park your car on the yellow lines?"

"Because the sign says.........FOR PARKING."

9-      "What do you call a happy tin in the USA?"

"A.........!"

5-HOMOPHONES

omophones are two words which have the same sound but different meanings. Complete the following jokes. The humor depends on homophones in each one.

read/red, stories/storeys, rains/reins,

bean/been, bolder/boulder, pane/pain,

bare/bear, allowed/aloud, week/weak

1-      "Waiter, what do you call this?"

"It's..........soup, sir."

"I don't care what it's..........What is it now?"

2-      "Have you ever hunted..........   ?"

"No, I always hunt with my clothes on."

3-      "Why are black clouds like somebody riding a horse?

"Because they both hold the .........."

4-      "A teacher saw two boys fighting in the playground."

"Stop! You know the school rules - No fight-

ing.........."

"But, sir, we weren't fighting..........We were fighting quietly."

5-      "What is the effect of seven days dieting?"

"They make one.........."

6-      "Did you hear about the novelist who lived on the ninth floor of a block of flats?" "He dropped six.........into a wastepaper basket and lived."

7-      "How can I get rid of my headache?"

"Hit your head against a window and

the..........will disappear."

8-      Fortune Teller: "Would you like your palm........., sir?"

Man: "NO thanks, I like the color it is now."

9-      "What did the small shy stone say?"

"I wish I was a little............."

6-UNUSUAL EXPRESSIONS

ome words with quite common meanings can be used in word partnerships with meanings which are difficult to guess. Complete the following more unusual expressions.

spectacle, laps, tear, knit, stretch, leads, pardon, hugs, stitch

1-      "What happened to the thief who stole a kilometer of elastic?"

"He was put in prison for a long . .........."

2-      "When does a boat show its affection?"

"When it.........the shore."

3-      "Did you hear about the cat that came first in the milk-drinking competition?"

"It won by six........."

4-      "What do you do if you split your sides laughing?"

"Run until you get a ......"

5-      "Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens-grinding machine?" "He made a ............of himself."

6-      "What does a king do after he burps?"

"He issues a royal.........."

7-      "How can broken bones be productive?"

"When they begin to.......... together."

8-      "Why did the ant rush across the top of a cereal packet?"

"Because it said '..........along the dotted line' on the packet."

9-      "Ten pedigree dogs have escaped from their kennels and the police have been unable to recapture them. They say they have no.........and are appealing to the public for help."

7-MISSING WORDS

ll the missing words from these jokes make a natural expression.

shocking, warm, sticky, striking, broken, hair-raising, rare, bare-faced, stinking

1-      A millionaire who doesn't wash is someone who is ............. rich.

2-      While repairing his television Mr. Smith touched a live electric wire. When he recovered, he described it as a..........experience.

3-      A fireman always gets a.............. reception wherever he goes.

4-      It is a complete waste of time telling bald men ...............stories.

5-      The man who fell into a large tank of glue came to a..................... end.

6-      A politician had such a bad reputation for being dishonest that he decided to grow a beard so nobody could call him a..........liar.

7-      "She is certainly a..........beauty! She slapped me twice!"

8-      My husband is a man of.................... gifts. He hasn't given me a present for years.

9-      "John!, I know that we have a large crack in the living-room wall, but will you stop telling people that you come from a..........home."

8-MOVING STRESS

ll these jokes depend on how you say something - a change in the stress of one or two

words - along the road and a long road.

1-      "Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?"

"It had..........to go with."

2-      "Have you ever seen a..........?"

"No. How does it hold the rod?"

3-      "Why are fishmongers so mean?"

"Because their job makes them................."

4-      "What did Mrs. Christmas say to Father Christmas when a thunderstorm started?"

"Come and look at the........................."

5-      Instructor:" Tomorrow you can fly..............." Trainee pilot: "How low?"

6-      A policeman was overtaking a car when he was surprised to see an old lady knitting while driving. He wound down his window and shouted to her, "..........." "No, a pair of socks! She replied."

7-      First woman: "Men are all .....!"

Second woman; "Yes, men are all.....!"

8-      "Why are travel-guides like handcuffs?"

"Because they are made for......"

9    "My uncle is an........"

"Is he?"

"Yes. He used to carry suitcases at the Sheraton Hotel."

A-     pull over / pullover

B-     ex-porter / exporterC- two wrists / tourists

D-    no body / nobody

E-     rain dear /  reindeer

F-     cat fish / catfish

G-    alike / I like

H-     so low  / soloI- sell fish / selfish

9-MISUNDERSTANDINGS

ll the jokes on this page depend on a misunderstanding which is caused by stressing or

pronouncing words in different ways.

1-      "Can you telephone from an aero plane?"

"............................................."

2-      "Teacher: "John, give me a sentence with 'centimeter' in it."

John:"............................................."

3-      "What did the electrician's wife ask him when he arrived home late?"

"............................................."

4-      Teacher; "Mary, give me a sentence with gruesome in it."

Mary:  "......................................."

5-      An Eskimo who had just finished building a new igloo called his wife and asked her what she thought of the new house.

"Oh," she said, "It's..........house."

6-      Teacher: "George, give me a sentence with 'unaware' in it."

George:"..............................................."

7-      Jim: "I've just had my appendix out"

John: "......................................."

Jim: No thanks, I don't smoke.

8-      Teacher:" Sarah, give me a sentence with fascinate in it"

Sarah: "....................................."

9-      "Where does your mother come from?"

"....................................."

"Never mind, I'll ask her myself"

A-     My underwear is the first thing I put onin the morning.

B-     an ice

C-     I had ten buttons on my shirt but I losttwo, so now I can only fasten eight.

D-    Wire you insulate?

E-     When my aunt was arriving at the sta-tion I was sent to meet her.

F-     - Sure, anybody can tell a phone from anaero plane.

G-    Alaska.

H-     My dad grew some potatoes in the gar-den.

I-      Will you have a scar?

10-PRESENT PERFECT JOKES

ll the following jokes contain examples of the

Present Perfect. When you have agreed on the missing line, go back and underline all uses of that tense.

1-      "Grocer, are these eggs fresh?"    1-

          ".............................................."                           give me a ring?"

2-      How do we know that carrots are good for "...................." the eyes?       2-

          ".............................................."                           it?"

3-      "My doctor says I can't play tennis."

          ".............................................."                   3-

4-      Dentist: "Calm down, I haven't touched your

          tooth yet."                                                        4-

          Patient:".............................................."              gets up?"

5-      "I've been singing since I was three"

          ".............................................."                   5-

6-      "I could marry anyone I please."   what will you get"

          "Then why are you still single?"                                 "...................."

          ".............................................."                   6-

7-      I've received hundreds of replies to my advertisement for a husband and they all say "...................."

          the same thing."                                               7-

"What's that?"

          ".............................................."                   8-

8-      Dentist:" That's the biggest cavity I've ever shoes?" seen, the biggest cavity I've ever seen" Patient: "Why are you repeating yourself?" 9-

Dentist;".............................................."

9-      This crossword is the most difficult one I've ever done. I've been trying to think of one word for two weeks.

          ".............................................."                           older bird.

A-     I haven't pleased anyone yet. A- Polish them.

B-     How about 'fortnight'?

C-     Well, the chickens haven't missed them         as fast, yet.

D-    No wonder you've lost your voice.

E-     Take mine!

F-     I'm not - it was an echo.

G-    Have you ever seen a rabbit wearingglasses? G- spend it.

H-     I know, but you're standing on my foot.         H- Me.

I-      So he has played with you as well.      I- The whole neighborhood.

12-COMPARATIVE JOKES

ll the following jokes contain examples of comparatives. When you have agreed on the answers, go back and underline all examples of comparatives and superlatives.

1-      "Which burns longer - a black candle or a white candle?"

"...................................."

2-      "What are you going to do when you are as big as your mother?"

"...................................."

3-      "Who is the strongest criminal?"

"...................................."

4-      "Have you heard that the most intelligent person in the world is going deaf?"

"...................................."

5-      "Why are wolves like playing cards?"

"...................................."

6-      "What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?"

"...................................."

7-      Indecisive Customer: "I've changed my mind again" Irritated Shop Assistant:

"...................................."

8-      "How do you know when you are middleaged?"

"...................................."

9-      What is even harder than a diamond?"

"...................................."

A-     Finding half a worm.

B-     And is the new one working better thanthe old one?

C-     When the cake costs less than the can-dles.

D-    A shoplifter.

E-     Neither, they both burn shorter.

F-     Paying for it!

G-    Go on a diet.

H-     Pardon?

I-      They both come in packs.

13-JOKES WITH SO........THAT

ll these jokes contain the structure so..... that.

What kind of words can follow so? How many of these jokes can be- re-written using such instead of so?

1-      "My father has so many gold teeth that....."

2-      "I was so big when I was born that........"

3-      "In Spain the melons are so big that......."

4-      "The people in my village talk so much that......."

5-      "The Megalith Hotel is so tall that.......".

6-      "My sister is so thin that......."

7-      "Dolphins are so clever that......."

8-      "I have so many wrinkles on my forehead that......."

9-      "My hair is so wavy that................"

10-   "The holiday resort was so dull that ......."

A-     the ducks throw her bread when shegoes to the park.

B-     to call reception from the top floor youhave to dial long distance.

C-     the tide went out one day and nevercame back.

D-    you can hollow them out and use themas houses.

E-     they can train a man to stand on theedge of their pool and throw them three times a day.

F-     he has to sleep with his head in a safe.

G-    the doctor was afraid to slap me.

H-     people get seasick looking at me.

I-      they have to put sun cream on theirtongues when they go on holiday.

J-      I have to screw my hat on.

14-THE BEST WAY

t is always too easy to look at the answers. Make sure you try to think of your OWN answer to each of these sentences first. Then compare your answers with those given.

1-      The best way to meet a new neighbor is........

2-      The best way to cut your food bill in half is........ .

3-      The best way to get a seat on crowded buses is........ .

4-      The best way to turn people's heads is......... 5- The best way to catch a mouse is........ .

6-      The best way to light a fire with two sticks is........ .

7-      The best way to make a cigarette lighter is........ .

8-      The best way to stop a cockerel crowing on a Sunday is........ .

9-      The best way to cover an old cushion is.....

10-   The best way to communicate with a fishis........ .

A-     to cook it on Saturday.

B-     to take the tobacco out.

C-     to drop it a line.

D-    to use a pair of scissors.

E-     to sit on it.

F-     to enter the theatre after the show hasbegun.

G-    to play loud music at 2 o'clock in themorning.

H-     to become a driver.

I-      to make sure one of them is a match.

J-      to get somebody to throw you one.

15-MISUNDERSTANDING

GRAMMAR

"We're having my mother for lunch."  "Really, we're having chicken". - They have the same grammar, but the meanings are totally different. These jokes depend on this idea.

1-      "The police are looking for a man with one eye called Wilson."

"........................................................."

2-      "I've been waiting here for five minutes to cross this road."

"Well, there's a zebra crossing further down the road."

"........................................................."

3-      Doctor: "You must take one of these pills three times a day."

Patient:"..............................................."

4-      "I had to get up early this morning to open the door in my pyjamas"

"........................................................."

5-      "William, run over and see how old Mrs. Smith is." (William returns five minutes later.) "She's annoyed, mum. She said

................................................."

6-      "Did you know that deep breathing kills germs?"

"........................................................."

7-      "Did you wake up grumpy this morning?"

"........................................................."

8-      "Your dog is chasing a man on a bicycle."

"........................................................."

9-      "I've made the chicken soup."

"........................................................."

A-     Oh good, I was afraid it was for us.

B-     Yes, but how do you get them to breathedeeply?

C-     It is none of your business how old sheis.

D-    Don't be stupid. My dog can't cycle.

E-     What's the other eye called?

F-     No, I just let him sleep late.

G-    That's a strange place to have a door.

H-     How on earth can I take it more thanonce?

I-      Well, I hope it is having better luck thanI'm having.

16-QUESTIONS WITH HOW

he answers to these questions are not the ones you would expect. When you have agreed the answers, discuss whether you can translate them into your language.

1-      "How can you divide seven potatoes equally between four people?"

"........................................................."

2-      "How long will the next bus be?"

"........................................................."

3-      Inspector: "How many people work in this office?"

Manager:"..........................................."

4-      "How much does it cost to get married, dad?"

"........................................................."

5-      "How can you double your money?"

"........................................................."

6-      Headmaster:" How can we raise the level of our students?"

Teacher; "............................................"

7-      How can you make eleven an even number?

"........................................................."

8-      "How do you stop fish from smelling?"

"........................................................."

9-      "Well, Peter, how do you like school?"

"........................................................."

10-   "How can you tell which end of a worm is itshead?"

"........................................................."

A-     Cut off their noses.

B-     About half of them.

C-     Remove the first two letters.

D-    I don't know. I'm still paying for it.

E-     Closed.

F-     We could use the upstairs classrooms.

G-    Tickle it in the middle and wait until itsmiles.

H-     Mash them.

I-      About six meters.

J-      Look at it in a mirror.

17-QUESTIONS WITH WHY

fter you have filled in the gaps correctly, think carefully about each answer. You may need a

horns, night, single, beat, sleeping pills, count,

dictionary to discover why each is funny.

second hand, whip, scales, slip, bright, batter

1-      "Why are false teeth like stars?"

"Because they both come out at............"

2-      "Why did the man with one hand cross the road?"

"To get to the...........shop."

3-      "Why is a banana like a jersey?"

"Because it's easy to......on." 4-    "Why are cooks cruel?

"Because they.............eggs, ......... cream, and............fish.

5-      "Why do teachers at university wear sunglasses?"

"Because their students are very............."

6-      "Why is it easy to weigh a fish as soon as you catch it?"

"Because it has its own......................"

7-      "Why is a pocket calculator reliable?" "Because you can always ............ on it.

8-      "Why do cows wear bells?"

"In case their ....................... don't work."

9-      "Why is a room full of married people always empty?"

"Because there isn't a.........person in it."

10-   "Why did the nurse open the medicine cabinet quietly?"

"Because she didn't want to wake up

the........"

18-ANY SUGGESTIONS?

o your best not to look at the answers to this lesson. Try to think of your OWN answers first, agree on them in class, and then see how close or far you were from the real ones!

1-      Nobody ever complained about..............not opening.

2-      My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we........................

3-      Someone has invented a new alarm clock for actors. It doesn't ring, it........................

4-      People with loud coughs never go to the doctor, they go to.......................

5-      Goldsmith's wife made him a millionaire. Before she married him, he was a...............

6-      The only time I have trouble with anxiety is when I try to................................

7-      I'm thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the......... for it.

8-      I was so surprised at.................. that I didn't talk for a year.

9-      I decided to sell my drums when I saw my neighbor coming home with...............

10-   Is another name for a funeral parlor

a..............lounge?

A-     handwriting

B-     a shotgun

C-     my birth

D-    a parachute

E-     applauds

F-     spell it

G-    met

H-     the cinema

I-      billionaire

J-      departure

19-WHAT'S THE CONTEXT?

ere are 8 sentences. What is the situation in each? When you have decided that, match them to the 8 situations below. Try first to guess the situation before looking at the dialogues.

1-      "Just a minute."

2-      "Should someone he punished for something they haven't done?"

3-      "Have you seen her mother?"

4-      "Do you know your house is on fire?"

5-      "But I haven't done anything."

6-      "Certainly not. It wouldn't be right."

7-      "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED"

8-      "No. I'm afraid I don't."

A-      "I'm afraid that I have to tell you that you'resacked."

"........................................................."

"That's why you've been fired."

B-      Mr. Wilson, I'd like to ask for your permissionto marry your daughter"

"........................................................."

"Yes, but I prefer your daughter."

C-      "Could you help me with my homework?"

"........................................................."

"Maybe    not, but you could at least try!"

D-     A man walked into a pub where a pianist wasplaying and said,

"........................................................."    "No," said the pianist, "But if you hum it I'll try to follow you."

E-      "Late again. What's your excuse this time?" "Sorry sir, but there was a notice on the bus saying................... and I couldn't find one anywhere."

F-      Sir "...................................................."

"No, of course not."

"Good, because I haven't done my homework"

G-     "Do you know the way to the post office?"

"........................................................."

"Well, go down this road and take the first turning on the left,"

H-      A man wanted to travel from London to HongKong so he telephoned a travel agent to find out how long the flight was,

"............................................." said the agent.

"Thank you very much," said the man and hung up.

20-INSULTING REMARKS

ome people are proud of being able to say things which are very clever and at the same time very insulting. All these jokes depend on this idea.

1-      "Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?"

"Of course,..........................................."

2-      Singer: "Did you notice how my voice filled the hall?"

Critic: "And did you notice ....................."

3-      "I'm not myself tonight."

"Yes,.............................................."

4-      Teacher: "What is wrong with saying  I have went'?"

Student: "............................................"

5-      "You remind me of the sea." "You mean, because I'm wild, reckless and romantic?"

"........................................................."

6-      Father: "Don't you think our son got his intelligence from me?"

Mother; "He must have done .................."

7-      "I'm thirty-eight and I don't look it, do I?"

"........................................................."

8-      Very Fat Lady: "I would like to see a dress that fits me."

Shop Assistant:"............................."

9-      "I wish you and your rock group were on TV.

"So you think we are that good!"

"........................................................."

A-  I've still got mine.

B-  So would I.

C-  You are still here.

D-  No, because then I could switch you off.

E-   I do,

F-   how the audience left to make room for it?

G-  but you used to.

H-  No, because you make me sick.

I-   I've noticed the improvement.

21-DEFINITIONS

irst, look at the nine words below. Try to say what they mean without using a dictionary. Then match them to these definitions.

antique, archaeologist, adult, diplomat,

alarm clock, poverty, net, advice, acquaintance  

1-      A/an..........................  is somebody who has stopped growing except around the waist.

2-      A/an ............   is somebody you know well enough to borrow money from, but not well enough to lend money to.

3-      A/an ............   is a set of holes tied together with string.

4-      A/an ............  is somebody, whose career is in ruins.

5-      A/an ............   is something one generation buys, the next generation gets rid of, and the following generation buys again.

6-      A piece of ............   is something everybody gives but few take.

7-      A/an ............   is a mechanical device for waking up people who do not have children.

8-      A/an ............   is somebody who thinks twice before saying nothing.

9-      ............   is the only thing money can't buy.

22-PARADOXICAL JOKES

paradox is when two things seem to contradict each other - the comedian was so bad, he was

almost good! All these jokes contain a paradox

a stamp, a bottle, a tap, a towel, a blackboard, a comb, your word, a book, a river

1-      What gets wet as it dries?

2-      What has a bed but does not sleep? It also has a mouth but does not speak.

3-      What can you look through but not see through?

4-      What has teeth but can't bite?

5-      What can you give somebody and still keep?

6-      What has a neck but no head?

7-      What runs but has no legs?

8-      What can travel round the world yet stay in one corner?

9-      What is black when it's clean and white when it's dirty?

23-WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? his is another typical type of joke in English.

The answers always follow the same pattern

One..................., the other................

What is the difference between:

1-      ...... a lazy student and a  fisherman?

2-      ...... doormat and a bottle of medicine?

3-      ...... a hungry man and a greedy man?

4-      ...... a clothes brush and an iceberg?

5-      ...... a storm cloud and a child being spanked?

6-      ...... a farmer and a tailor?

7-      ...... a night watchman and a butcher?

8-      ...... a jeweler and a jailer?

9-      ...... a tram driver and a teacher.

A-      One longs to eat, the other eats too long.

B-      One pours with rain, the other roars withpain.

C-      One minds the train, the other trains themind.

D-     One is shaken up and taken; the other istaken up and shaken.

E-      One gathers what he sows; the other sews what he gathers.

F-      One sells watches, the other watches cells.

G-     One hates his books, the other baits hishooks.

H-      One brushes coats, the other crushes boats.I-       One stays awake, the other weighs a steak.

24-WAITER! WAITER!

okes involving complaints to waiters in restaurants are a classic kind of joke in English. Have you heard any which start - Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup.

1-      Waiter: How did you find the steak, sir?

Customer: …………………………………………… .

2-      Customer: Waiter! This plate is wet. Waiter: …………………………………………… .

3-      Customer: This soup tastes funny.

Waiter: …………………………………………… .

4-      Customer: Waiter! How long have you been working here?

Waiter: Six months, sir.

Customer: …………………………………………… .

5-      Customer: Waiter! This lobster only has one claw.

Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

Customer: …………………………………………… .

6-      Customer:   I'll have a hamburger, please.

Waiter: With pleasure.

Customer: …………………………………………… .

7-      Customer: Waiter! This meal isn't fit for a pig.

Waiter: …………………………………………… .

8-      Customer: Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!

Waiter: …………………………………………… .

9-      Customer: I wish to complain about this food. Call the chef!

Waiter: …………………………………………… .

A-      No, with mustard and ketchup, please.

B-      I'm afraid he's gone out for lunch.

C-      Well, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

D-     I'll take it away and bring you something thatis, sir.

E-      Well, it can't have been you, who took my order.

F-      Oh! I just moved the potato and there it was.

G-     That's your soup, sir.

H-      Then, bring me the winner!

I-       Then, why aren't you laughing?

25-DOCTOR! DOCTOR!

nother classic type of joke in English involves a two-line conversation between a patient and

a doctor. Do these exist in your language?

1-                     Patient:            Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm getting smaller.

Doctor:     …………………………………………………… . 2-     Patient:            Doctor! Doctor! Everybody keeps ignoring me.

          Doctor:     …………………………………………………… .

3-      Patient:     Is it serious, doctor?

          Doctor:        Well .......................................

4-      Doctor: Well, Mr. Smith, you seem to he coughing much more easily this morning.

          Patient:       …............................................

5-      Doctor: Are the pills I gave you to improve your memory helping you?

          Patient:       ..............................................

6-      Doctor: I have to tell you that you are seriously ill. Is there anything you would like?

          Patient:       ..............................................

7-      Patient:     Doctor, please help me. I can't

stop telling lies.

          Doctor:        ..............................................

8-      Doctor: I'm afraid the pain in your right arm is just old age.

          Patient:       ..............................................

9-      Patient:     I feel like a pack of cards.

          Doctor:         .............................................

A-      I wouldn't start watching any new televisionserials.

B-      I don't believe you.

C-      Well, you'll just have to learn to be a littlepatient.

D-     Then why doesn't my left arm hurt? I've hadit just as long.

E-      Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.

F-      That's because I've been practicing all night.

G-     Yes, a second opinion.

H-      What pills?

I-       Next please!

26-MAKING FUN OF TEACHERS!

eachers who ask questions which students can make fun of are the subject of these jokes. Do

your best to think of your OWN answer first.

1-      Teacher: Did your sister help you with your homework?

Student: No.......................

2-      Teacher: George, name two pronouns in English?

George: .......................

Teacher: Excellent! Well done.

3-      Teacher: Elena, how do you spell wrong?

          Elena:       R O N G.

Teacher: .......................

Elena:       That's what you asked for, wasn't it?

4-      Teacher: Klaus, can you tell me what the plural of baby is?

          Klaus:        ......................

5-      Teacher: Irma, what is the most popular answer to questions asked by teachers?

          Irma:        .......................

Teacher: Correct.

6-      Teacher: [talking on the telephone) ... So Gordon can't come to school because he has a cold. Who am I speaking to?

          Voice:        .......................

7-      Teacher: First there was the Ice Age, then the Stone Age. Paul what came next?

          Paul:         .......................

8-      Teacher: Laura. Say something beginning with the letter I.

Laura: I is ....................... Teacher: No. No. No. You must say 'l am', Laura: Okay then.......................

9-      Teacher: If you add 376 and 478, and divide the answer by 14 what do you get?

Student: .......................

A-     That's wrong.

B-     I don't know.

C-     I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

D-    The sausage?

E-     The wrong answer.

F-     Twins?

G-    She did all of it.

H-     Who, me?

I-      This is my father.

28-ELEPHANT JOKES

hy do elephants paint their toe-nails pink?

So they can hide in cherry trees! This is the classic schoolboy's elephant joke. This might help you answer these questions!

1-      How do you get four elephants in a car?

…………………………………………………………………

2-      How can you tell that an elephant has been in the refrigerator?

…………………………………………………………………

3-      What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?

…………………………………………………………………

4-      What do you do if an elephant sneezes?

…………………………………………………………………

5-      How do you stop an elephant going through the eye of a needle?

…………………………………………………………………

6-      How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed?

…………………………………………………………………

7-      Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?

…………………………………………………………………

8-      How does an elephant get down from a tree?

…………………………………………………………………

9-      Why did the elephant decide to give up his job with the circus?

…………………………………………………………………

10-   Why can't two elephants go into the swimming pool at the same time?

…………………………………………………………………

A-     Get out of the way very quickly.

B-     Because if it was small, white andsmooth it would be an aspirin.

C-     They only have one pair of trunksbetween them.

D-    Time to buy a new one.

E-     The ceiling is very close.

F-     Two in the front and two in the back.

G-    You can see its footprints in the butter.

H-     Tie a knot in its tail.

I-      It was tired of working for peanuts.

J-      It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

13-JOKES WITH SO........THAT

1-F   2-G 3-D 4-I 5-B 6-A 7-E 8-J 9-H 10-C

14-THE BEST WAY

1-G  2-D 3-H 4-F 5-J 6-I 7-B 8-A 9-E 10-C

15-MISUNDERSTANDING GRAMMAR

1-E 2-I 3-H 4-G 5-C 6-B 7-F 8-D 9-A

16-QUESTIONS WITH HOW

1-H 2-I 3-B 4-D 5-J 6-F 7-C 8-A 9-E 10-G

17-QUESTIONS WITH WHY

1-night 2-second hand 3-slip 4-beat/whip/batter 5-bright 6-scales 7-count 8-horns 9-single 10sleeping pills

18-ANY SUGGESTIONS?

1-D 2-G 3-E 4-H 5-I 6-F 7-A 8-C 9-B 10-J

19-WHAT'S THE CONTEXT?

1-H 2-F 3-B 4-D 5-A 6-C 7-E 8-G

20-INSULTING REMARKS

1-E 2-F 3-I 4-C 5-H 6-A 7-G 8-B 9-D

21-DEFINITIONS

1-adult 2-acquaintance  3-net 4-archeologist 5antique 6-advice 7-alarm clock 8-diplomat 9poverty

22-PARADOXICAL JOKES

1-a towel 2-a river 3-a book 4-a comb 5-your word 6-a bottle 7-a tap 8-a stamp 9-a blackboard

23-WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

1-G 2-D 3-A 4-H 5-B 6-E 7-I 8-F 9-C

24-WAITER! WAITER!

1-F 2-G 3-I 4-E 5-H 6-A 7-D 8-C 9-B

25-DOCTOR! DOCTOR!

1-C 2-I 3-A 4-F 5-H 6-G 7-B 8-D 9-E

26-MAKING FUN OF TEACHERS!

1-G 2-H 3-A 4-F 5-B 6-I 7-D 8-C 9-E

27-ALPHABET JOKES

1-E 2-H 3-F 4-A 5-I 6-B 7-J 8-C 9-G 10-D

28-ELEPHANT JOKES

1-F 2-G 3-D 4-A 5-H 6-E 7-B 8-J 9-I 10-C